The Vatican are set to beatify a Glasgow man after last Tuesday’s TV listings appeared on his penis. The 52-year-old man, Toby Dell, a forklift truck salesman from Maryill, spotted the phenomena last Tuesday morning while emptying his bladder. “I couldn’t believe it,” he told Dafty News. “The BBC telly listings just appeared on my […]
Glaswegian 60s pop icon and lifelong Partick Thistle fan, Lulu, was arrested and charged with affray and assault with a deadly weapon yesterday after she launched a frenzied sword and hatchet attack on a group of rival fans following the Jags 1-1 draw with fellow high-flyers, St Johnstone. The 103-year-old singer spoke to Dafty News […]
Millions of people who suffer from chronic back pain were breathing a sigh of relief last night as a statement issued by The Royal College of Surgeons gave assurances that their long-term suffering would come to an end immediately after they had passed away. Speaking at a press conference, a spokesman for the RCS said: […]
A recent survey by The University of Swansea has found that 99% of the people who responded to their nationwide survey would be in favour of having people who renew their wedding vows whipped to death in public. Professor Tobias Del, PhD, told newsmen, “Our survey was utterly conclusive. 99% wanted these people whipped to […]
The Duchess of Cambridge returned to the gym yesterday just 24 hours after giving birth to her 3rd baby in a London hospital. Kate, 36, arrived at The Thomas A Beckett gym in Old Kent Road yesterday afternoon and spent 3 hours on the speedball, the heavy bag and the pads before sparring 6 rounds […]
A nagging wife from the Cotswolds in England finally gave up asking her husband what time he will be returning home from the pub and resorted to looking for the answer on Wikipedia; it has been revealed. Speaking exclusively to our reporters, the angry 49-year-old long-suffering wife cried: “I never know what time he (husband) […]
A recent survey conducted by Cambridge University has revealed that people who habitually post messages on Facebook, that make a political point or illustrates their own worldview, have absolutely no effect on government policy whatsoever. Professor Tobias Dell, who headed the study, told newsmen: “Our findings are absolutely conclusive. People who routinely ram their political […]
Scottish football has been dealt a huge blow after Glasgow giants turn down an offer to sign Cristiano Ronaldo because ‘he’s too black’, it has emerged. “We don’t want the hassle of signing really black players as it causes too much aggravation in the terraces,” says Jags boss Big Roan Aitchison. The controversial coach whose […]
Banking giants, Barclay’s, have announced that a recently introduced scheme to encourage customers to sign up for one of their credit cards will include free butt plugs for anyone registering for a card before May 1. A spokesman for the bank told us last night: “We hope, that by introducing an anal sex toy as […]
There was concern in royal circles last night after Prince Harry’s future bride, Meghan Markle, told The Mail On Sunday that she’d had a likeness of leftie Labour Party leader, Jeremy Corbyn, tattooed on her chest. In today’s edition, Meghan reveals: “I’ve always been a bit left-wing in my political outlook and I know Harry’s […]