Are you tired of Facebook? Are you sick of scrolling through your feed every day only to be swarmed with useless, meaningless drivel and trash that other users post? Does Facebook make you sick and oftentimes angry? Then maybe it’s time to quit and go back to a life you once knew, free of Facebook.
This TOP ELEVEN list of things we have to endure when we log into Facebook might be just some of the reasons that make us want to stop using the site.
They are all there including those clickbait geniuses, the fitness tracker wearable twats, and the evergreen tear-jerkers that are designed for us to reach out for the hankies.
1. MOTIVATIONAL MEMES:
2. FACEBOOK BIRTHDAYS:
There’s always some twat who has a birthday and they’re not shy in letting the whole fucking world know about it. Only Her Majesty the Queen is allowed two birthdays. Not some loser moron who hangs around Facebook all day in his underwear in his basement – using a Broadband service his mom pays for.
3. THE TEAR-JERKER:
Every week on Facebook there’s some military guy who comes back from Afghanistan to surprise his kids, to a backdrop of some emotional soundtrack music, and we’re all supposed to cry over it and get all emotionally patriotic.
4. HEALTH EXERTS:
Every bastard has a cure for everything on Facebook. Got a sore toenail? Are you worried that your eyelids might fall off? Do you have a life-threatening illness? Log onto Facebook and find out what might be the problem and what to use. There’s everything from rubbing your elbow against tree bark to a dip in a bath full of pudding. Never be ill again – get onto Facebook and get cured.
5. POLITICAL KNOW-IT-ALLS:
Don’t be put off by those who don’t know the difference between ‘there’, ‘they’re’ and ‘their’. These people have a wealth of geopolitical knowledge and are a great source if you want to know anything about foreign affairs and homegrown economics. Despite having difficulty in realizing the difference between ‘to’, ‘two’ and ‘too’, these know-it-alls will even help you decide who to vote for. Although many of them look like they couldn’t even manage to mark a simple ‘X’ in a little box.
Another Facebook twat asks for a ‘man with a van’ recommendation and is willing to pay fuck all for the poor guy’s service…or the van’s.
7. THE SPONSORED POST TWAT:
Every five scrolls of my mouse there’s a fucking knobhead who has paid for a sponsored post and they are shoving their self-promoted crap right in my fucking face. Fuck you and fuck your sponsored ad. I hope your business goes tits up and you lose your house.
8. THE LOVE BOASTERS:
If you’ve been on Facebook long enough you’ll already have noticed some housewives posting photos of the lovely flowers their husband bought them. It doesn’t need to be because of any special occasion. In fact, the spontaneous flowers gifts are the best ones. When Valentine’s Day is already full of the ‘housewife boasting competition’, this off-the-cuff act of showing love and affection works a treat. Nobody is expecting it and the housewife knows this very well.
It’s all cringeworthy and stomach-churning, to be honest, and just another publicity stunt to gain more validation and likes. However, it is a nice thing for her husband to think of, isn’t it? Oh, it doesn’t matter that the flowers come from a late-night gas station. Her mobile phone has many filter features that will make that bunch of bad fuckers look like they were flown in from a faraway exotic botanic garden.
9. THE FITNESS FUCKERS:
Is nobody fat these days? Damn, how we miss all those chubby real-life people who look like they’ve had a comfortable life. What happened to them? Are they extinct? All we see now on Facebook are a bunch of twats wearing next to nothing except for badly-spelled tattoos and digital fitness tracker wearables.
10. THE FOOD & DRINK PHOTOGRAPHERS:
Congratulations on another Facebooker who has just paid out a two-week salary for a cup of fucking coffee and they take a photo of it and post it on their status. Giving the coffee company even more exposure. Well done you twat on actually paying a large successful company to advertise them and not just for free; YOU ACTUALLY PAID A FORTUNE TO DO SO.
11. THE CLICKBAIT GENIUSES:
This whole clickbait crap has to be outlawed but still, far too many Facebookers fall for it every time.
‘YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT THIS PUPPY DID NEXT’.
Oh, I’d like to see what that puppy does next. I hope it grows into a fucking devil dog and mauls your pathetic ass – leaving the pathologist with a jigsaw puzzle of horrific proportion to stitch back together so you don’t scare off the undertaker.
‘WHAT THIS TODDLER DOES ON HIS BIRTHDAY WILL MELT YOUR HEART’
Oh really? Did he put on a Balaclava, brandish a sawn-off shotgun and hold up the local post office; before making his getaway in his Fisher Price Scooter with a four-figure sum?
And to wrap things up, we have to finish off with what would have been candidate number 12: Tag a friend.